ACS Musings

 Why?

 I often have thoughts that fill my brain. Over time, they either spill out, absorb, or become ruminations that eat at my soul. 

I find that I have no space - literal or not - to drop these things where people will hear me and listen with intention.

I often envision myself screaming into a void of nothingness, release my thoughts and feelings to the ether. I have people in my life that hear me, but the ranting deters me. I fear that the more I tell them the less they will care. The less they might see me and then enjoy my company... or find me too odd.

All people wear masks. We show sides of ourselves to various people. It's not a psychosis, it's not narcissism - it's human. We often learn through human interaction that there are individuals who will hear everything you'd want to share, and then there are those who only want a part of you. 

 But it's also not in the nature of people to completely bare ones soul... because there is a level of exposure that we all fear. Not knowing how honest to be, not only with others but with one's self. Does the nature of honesty divulge aspects of ourselves that we never share, that only hide in the darkest parts of our mind? Or do we only share that which might make us feel better in the moment.

 If we dig this deep, do we become new people? This depth of honest feels like something be ripped from you. It can hurt. Like have therapy flu...

 Speaking of therapy...

I often wonder how honest people are with their therapists? If you are only so honest with yourself, for whatever reason would you have to be 100% your therapist? Is there always that level withholding?

So, I'm going to try dumping my thoughts into the void. Therapy is too expensive and I have thoughts that are not important to anyone. 

 We'll see...